Up and down, down and up

I seem to manage to hover around the 70kg-line week after week. Well I guess considering the last few weeks of no pointing and next to no exercise I should be grateful and give myself a pat on the back for not going overboard too much! 

Incidentally, today's task in my CBT book is to give myself credit for what I accomplish, however small. 

For example, today I had my porridge breakfast and not Pret breakfast (well done!), I was in the office at 7.30am to get stuff out the way (nice one!) and I've not snacked yet (ok so there's nothing to snack on but still - keep up the good work!)

I am sooo close to be able to wear my aspirationals (my bag of size 12 trousers). I can do them up but I look ridiculous, muffin tops galore. And sitting down - don't even go there. 

But hey - a few months ago I couldn't even get them over my hips - so WELL DONE again for getting this far! 

Just remember this

As I'm sat here, panicking slightly over tonnes of work that need doing, just dying to reach for that comfort food calling me from the kitchen, I find myself repeating over and over what may well be my new mantra for the coming months:

If hunger isn't the problem, food is not the solution. 

Thanks to *Bitch Cakes* for that piece of wisdom!

Stuck

Forgive me scales for I have sinned. It's been 3 weeks since my last pointed day. 

All it took was a couple of stressful weeks (both work wise and personally) and a cold on top of that. I went for a two hour bike ride last Sat but apart from that I've done no exercise at all. With this being the last day of February I can only admit defeat in my swimming month - I only got half way. This means my reward that I was planning (to buy the next book in the Ladies Detective Agency series) will be moved to end of March. 

It makes me feel like giving up on the whole thing. But I know that all that will happen is that I'll throw it all out the window, gradually gain back the weight I've lost and then, in 6 months or a year's time, I'll have convinced myself that this time it's different, this time I can really do it. And I'll start again. So instead of waiting all those months and gaining back that weight I'm just going to fast forward to new-found resolve. I'm going to equip myself with some new tools and I've got a couple of new goals to work towards. 

I have an opportunity to fit 1,5h of walking in today and I'm going to take it. I've got a cold but walking isn't strenuous so it should be just fine. I'll load some new music on my iPod to bring on my walk to make it more interesting.

So, new tools. One of them is a book on dieting and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). My flatmate has recently lost about a stone in no time at all, and it all started with her reading an article by Judith S. Beck, on dieting and CBT. It's worked really well for my flatmate and has helped her reframe the way she thinks about food, especially tackling the feeling of being deprived and feelings of unfairness (why can some people eat whatever they want when I cant etc). She's lost weight pretty quickly, but she's definitely not on a crash diet - I see the food she prepares for lunch and dinner and it's all very healthy and nutritious stuff in sensible quantities. The key is that she now prepares food - she never used to. She would definitely be a take-away and a couple of glasses of wine per night kind of girl.  She now also sits down at the table at every meal - also a new habit for her. 

I read the article that started her weightloss, and I decided to give it a go - I bought the book "The Beck Diet Solution" (why do American diet books have to be hot pink with the word DIET in enormous letters on the cover???). The book gives you a task a day for 6 weeks to gradually re-train your brain to think like a thin person. So far I like what I've read (I'm only on day 2). A few points that have hit home are 

- Don't focus on unfairness. Pay attention to how thin people behave at meal times - is it really true that they can "eat whatever they want" or are they simply accustomed to limiting their food intake naturally? We went out for lunch with work yesterday and sure enough - the petite girls in the office seemed to automatically make healthier choices, without debate or hesitation. If I were to choose the same food they had I would have a long internal debate with myself first, but for these girls they just seemed to not see the unhealthy options. I look at my boyfriend who is naturally slim and he does the same thing - although being a guy he can obviously eat more, he still limits himself and also gets edgy if he doesn't get to exercise. This takes the mystery out of skinny people staying skinny for me - it means it's a behaviour which I can learn. I've obviously learned the opposite behaviour and I've practiced it for a long time - I'm really good at overeating ;). So using CBT to re-train my brain could be worth a go. 

- Get over your sense of feeling deprived. Think like this instead "I will either deprive myself of eating this chocolate, a sensation which will only last a few moments, or I will deprive myself of achieving my goal weight. Either way I'll end up feeling deprived - now which one is more important to me?

- Every time I give in I strengthen my tendency to give in. Every time I resist I strengthen my tendency to resist. I need to think about which muscle I want to strengthen - my giving-in muscle or my resistance muscle?

A new short term goal is a spa day with a friend of mine - we're planning to go next month. I'd like to feel comfortable in my swimwear for that date, so that's a bit of motivation to pick up where I left off.

On the exercise front I realised I've only got 10 weeks left to my half marathon. That means it's high time to plan a running program which focuses on sloooooowly building up the distance (to avoid shin splints).

Now all I need to do is cure myself of this annoying cold so I can actually start exercising again. 

Onwards and upwards!

Hmmm....

...very little activity on the exercise front lately....better get a swim in on Thursday morning or else! 

Scales are pointing down again, I've recovered the gain of last week. But this week I've already had pizza and icecream so we'll see if it lasts...Oh and chocolate. Both yesterday and today...eek!

Oh! The Valentines ball was fab! And I managed to pull off the outfit. I wonder if that's why I'm lacking motivation now - I feel more comfortable so the sense of urgency has gone. I still cant wear my "aspirationals" tho. The aspirationals are a bag of trousers in size 12 that I've kept under my bed for the past couple of years. I wonder what will happen first, me being able to wear them or them going out of fashion??

Not tracked my points for nearly 2 weeks now. So what am I paying for?? Silly girl...get back in to it!

My crooked progress chart for the week:

Losing focus

This week has started with a massive 12 hour day at work, and no walking yesterday or today. The rest of the week promises to continue in the same ridiculous fashion. I had a productive Monday, and that's always a nice feeling, but unfortunately I seem to operate on a one on, one off basis...so generally if my Monday was super productive, my Tuesday will be full of faff. There is so much to do...and right now I can't work up any interest in any of it. So many urgent things to attend to. Yawn. 

I can feel my focus swaying dangerously on the weightloss front. I feel hopeless at the prospect of not being allowed all the treats that I would normally use to make me feel better. And the scales showed a gain yesterday morning - well no wonder really considering I probably went over the points on five out of seven days last week! Yesterday I went over again, and today hasn't started in the healthiest of ways (altho nothing to disastrous, just not my normal porridge). With so much going on at work I feel like I just want to give in, and I'm sick of trying to whip myself in to doing more, eating better, exercising, being focused at work, being responsive, responsible, when I just want to flake out and skive off work and go home and sleep after finishing a tub of Ben&Jerrys...Yeah we have a major case of toys out of pram here.

Must try and focus on the positives. 

1. Yesterday my boyfriend interrupted my work rant with a surprised "Oh! I can really see the weight difference in your face now!" A rude interruption I was quick to forgive :)

2. Also yesterday I found out my boss thought I'd acted brilliantly on Friday - and that made me laugh with disbelief since on Friday I was absolutely ready to kill him with my own two hands (and possibly a USB cable) - he was so infuriating!! I felt bad for being such a grumpy cow all of Friday but apparently my boss mistook that for dedication and efficiency...

Out of shape

On Sat I went to get my outfit for the Valentines ball next week. It's a fairly "alternative" kind of event, so I'm not talking cocktail dress here. I found something along the lines of what I was after, and I just tried it on at home now as well. It looks cool and I think if I saw it on someone else, with the same body shape as me,  I wouldn't think they looked horrible or disgusting. But it's as if I can't come to terms with certain parts of my anatomy...

I'm not exactly a girly girl, and from the waist up I'm probably slightly androgynous looking - small tits, flat stomach (on good days;) short hair, and I'm tall-ish. But from the waist down I'm curvy as anything, with a proper pear shaped butt and curvy legs (whatever my weight, my legs are still hourglass-shape). I much prefer the slightly boyish look and I think the fact that I'm not one shape but two (two for one! something for everyone!) just doesn't look very good. Wearing anything too girly makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable, like a fraud and a clown. I'm sure there are deeply seated psychological explanations for this which may some day help to fund some therapist's vacation in the Caribbean. So checking myself out from behind made me whince slightly - I look like a such a woman. Bleurgh. It doesn't feel like me. I'm not after a sex change here or anything, far from it. But the curves, they're not me. I want to be flat, angular. Not skin and bones, but lean and toned. I know it's a bit of a joke considering my genes (my mum is far from angular), so really I should just try to accept it rather than being at war with myself. But it annoys me that I can't quite have either or - not a curvy woman's body (with boobs!!), and not an androgynous one.

Oh well, I have one week to go until it's time for the ball. Don't think I'll be able to achieve a great deal in terms of changing my shape by then! But I will at least try and keep the focus and keep up the exercise as I know that will help me feel more comfortable in my skin. Swimming has been great, and I also managed to get out for a lovely run this morning with my friends out in the country side - was so nice running along country roads, looking out over the snow-covered fields, in the pale winter sunshine! No travel and no socialising planned this week - work is looking like it could become absolutely ridiculous tho so I better make sure I don't let it stress me out too much, as that will no doubt make me turn to food for comfort.

Swim, swam, swum

I did it, I went swimming both on Weds and Thursday morning! It was not easy getting up (and once again I give praise to my sunrise lamp). I'm supposed to go on Sat morning as well, but thinking I need a lie in as it's been a while (I got up at 5.30 this morning and am currently sitting at the airport waiting for my Amsterdam flight). Going to my friend's house on Sat-Sun and we were planning a run or at the very least a looooong walk on Sun, so I'll get some exercise in. Starting to feel a little run down with long hours at work plus up early to train, so think a couple of days rest will do the trick. 

The swimming gives an annoyingly low amount of points (1,5 for 30 min!) but I can really feel it in my legs. And I'm starting to feel a hint of muscle tone in my abs and arms, and let me tell you that is a sweet sweet feeling!! I'm sure it's not actually noticable if you look at me, but I can feel the difference. It's very motivating. 

Saying that I've just had a huuuuge toasted sandwich at the airport, lol. Oh well. Travel etc etc (insert old excuse here).